I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
