"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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