saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We need to get me chipped asap
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
