Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
