You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
