...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
