I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
