Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
