Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
