dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
