I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
