my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
