to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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