Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
