well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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