I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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