Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
