I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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