you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
