I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way