I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?