Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
