she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
