No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
