Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
