you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
