If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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