I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
