I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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