I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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