I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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