life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
