if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
