i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
