You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
