So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
