I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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