i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
