it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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