ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
is that a dick in a sweater?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
