i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
