I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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