Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
