You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
