the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
