when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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