Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?