I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS