i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
