"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Alive.
So much puke
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
