I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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