Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
