Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
