Tell her she can't have a vagina
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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