hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
