I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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