I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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